MC Hawking Holiday
It's an MC Hawking holiday (yuh)
Pulling drivebys in a one-horse sleigh (sing it)
Decking the halls with DJ Doomsday (uh)
It's an MC Hawking holiday (yuh)
Here we go
Rolling home from the party on December 24th
Saw an object in the sky coming in from the north
It slammed into the ground just a few feet away
It was Old Saint Nick and his big-ass sleigh
I said, "Yo Santa Claus, what you be doing here?"
He said, "Got a little problem with one of my reindeer
A mid-air collision with a pigeon's no joke
Now Donner can't fly cause his leg is broke"
I said, "Relax, Saint Nick, just leave it to me"
As I rolled up to Donner and said quietly
"Can you see the rabbits? You're safe at home."
Then I pulled out my gat, and dropped a nine in his dome
"Yo, that's not Donner," Santa screamed into the night
"You just killed Blitzen. Donner's third from the right."
"Whoops, my bad," I said to Saint Nick
Then I capped Donner two times quick
Santa was sad, but knew it had to be done
Then he said, "Yo, Hawk, I can't finish my run
There's no way six reindeer can pull me through the sky
I'm too fat; I need at least seven reindeer to fly."
"No problem Christmas cracker, just leave it to me,
Soaking wet, I only weigh one-hundred and three
I guarantee that the presents will be under the trees
As long as they got a wheelchair-accessible chimney."
Sing it, ladies
Check it, let's go
Ho, ho, ho, three hoes did I see
I said, "Yo, hoes, come deliver presents with me."
They said, "You're not Santa Claus!" "I never said I was
But I'm filling in for Saint Nick this Christmastime because
The fat man is ill, and since in fact I killed
His reindeers, I felt that I've a duty to fulfill."
They lined into the sleigh, and then without delay
We rose into the night, then sped off on our way
Our first stop was at MIT
No need to check the list, it was plain to me
That they've all been naughty, any fool could see
So I stole all their presents and pissed on their tree
I filled the stockings with coal, and drank all the nog
And left on the floor a steaming yule log
"Merry Christmas, mother fuckers," I cried into the night
As the Christmas hoes and I once more took flight
Last house of the night for me and the hoes
Six billion down and just one to go
The child who lived here was listed as naughty
For his constant swearing, his mother thought he
Could use a firm lesson from the jolly old elf
And I had to admit, I thought so myself
The kid asked Santa for a baseball mitt
Instead I filled his stocking with steaming dog shit
Next morning the child ran downstairs with glee
Went straight to his stocking so that he could see
What wonderful things Santa had left within it
But quickly found out there was nothing but shit
Dog shit in his stocking, and under the tree
Just shit, shit, and more shit was all he could see
Yet with each gift he opened, he smiled some more
And played with the dog shit that lay on the floor
He seemed to be searching for something in it
His mother looked on as he sifted through shit
Confused and concerned, she said to the lad
"Saint Nick left you poo, so why aren't you sad?"
The boy looked up with a shit-eating grin
And said to his mother with shit on his chin
"Yo, it's a lot of shit, but bitch I don't mind it
Santa left me a dog, I just can't fuckin' find it."
That's right bitches, it's an M.C. Hawking holiday
So whether you be celebrating Christmas, or Kwanza, or Hanukkah, or whatever
I want to wish all you motherfuckers a happy holidays and a wonderful New Year
Except for you MIT punk bitches. You motherfuckers can suck it