Mysterious 'Anti-Music' Cannot Be Heard Directly, But Only Inferred By Its Effect On Ordinary Rap


Gangsta rapper MC Hawking has stunned the scientific community by announcing his discovery of 'Dark Rap,' a mysterious form of music whose existence can be observed only indirectly, through its impact on normal rap.

Using revolutionary 'nanofunk' detection equipment, Hawking meticulously recorded funk levels on over 1000 rap albums from the past decade, and concluded that over 80% of the kinetic funk quotient of these records was unaccounted for. "The numbers just didn't add up," Hawking explains. "For example, Dr. Dre's Concrete Roots clocks in at 47 minutes, 12 seconds. But based on the funk reading, the album has to contain at least 240 minutes of rap. This 'funk differential' means that there are almost 200 minutes of some previously undetected source of funk. This fucked-up shit is what I call 'Dark Rap.'"

Some reacted to Hawking's announcement with skepticism. Critics asked where the mysterious 80% of rap could be, given that a typical CD can only hold about 70 minutes of music. Although he conceded that he could not yet give a full accounting for the missing funk, Hawking speculated that the Dark Rap is condensed into the short intervals of silence in between songs on rap albums. "There is - I mean, there be - a positive, linear correlation between the number of tracks on a rap album and the unexplained funk differential. Furthermore, funk levels are often highly concentrated near the beginning and end of each track. This strongly supports the hypothesis that Dark Rap is located in between the tracks."

Dwayne Whitlinger - a former collaborator of Hawking's and better known as Professor Puff 'n Stuff - leveled especially harsh criticism at the Dark Rap theory. "The whole idea of Dark Rap makes no sense in the context of Quantum Groove Theory," Puff 'n Stuff said. "Furthermore, it completely violates the Law of Conservation of Da Shit." Unfazed, Hawking shot back, claiming that Puff 'n Stuff is still bitter over a 1997 dispute, in which the Professor was ejected from Hawking's band after allegedly making offensive remarks about a still-unspecified religious and/or ethnic minority.

Proof or disproof of the theory will depend on further experimentation. "All the evidence for the Dark Rap theory rests upon readings from the nanofunk detection instruments," he conceded. "This equipment requires further testing to verify its accuracy; it must be able to measure even miniscule traces of funk, and it must not indicate the presence of funk where there is none. So, for example, if you were to get a positive funk reading off a Nickleback album, then my theory is pretty much shot to hell."

Stephen "MC" Hawking Stuns Scientific Community 

By Gail Norman